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Conquering Your World in 5 Easy-ish Steps

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Rachel Edwards/Fort Wayne Museum of Art
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Conquering the World in 5 Easy-ish Steps

[Signal Received. Translating message.]

[Message from Earth 71952. Playing…]

Hey, folks. Welcome to “Conquering the World in 5 Easy-ish steps!”

D-did I mess up that intro? Um, hold on… No, that’s what I wrote. Huh.

Okay.

This comprehensive guide will teach even the most braindead newbies how to overthrow governments, or remind any old veteran how to assassinate a person of high power!

Hopefully these other earths have people of power.

So, sit down, grab your trophies of your dead enemy(ies), and grab your kettle corn popcorn (the best flavor)!

Oh, footnote, make sure you have a part of your dead enemy(ies) to keep as a trophy. I got a sweet leather jacket from this guy in Japan, among other things.

Step One: One of the most important steps! Find a reason to want to conquer the world. It’s honestly a waste of time if you don’t have any reason to do it. For example, if you want to get revenge on someone, or you don’t like your world. Or if you just want to have fun. That works too.

The kid looked at the trio of boys standing over him, then looked down at the dead body of his dog. “Why?” he asked, sobbing. The boys just sneered and smacked the kid with one of the bats they were holding. The kid fell over, stomach up, red stuff pouring out. “You should’ve taken better of your stupid dog, freak. He probably died at the first hit.” Then the trio turned and walked away in silence.

The kid stumbled home, sobbing. The second he opened the door, he was met by a belt to the side. When the kid stumbled and fell, the father kicked him in the stomach. “You little punk… What were you doing so late?” The kid woofed softly, and then drew a finger across his neck. “Tch,” The dad groaned, walking away. “The mutt was a waste of time, money, and food anyways.”

“Just like you.”

Step Two! Find how you’re going to conquer the world.  I don’t know how other people

will do it, because I did it in a, um, special way. Build a big weapon, or something.

Wow, I’m helpful, huh? Heh.

The day the kid found his powers was the day he turned the quartet into a trio, and when

his parents became his parent. He woke up to his books in his room floating around him. But the

weird thing was that he could hear whispers. Crying. Screaming. They sounded small, as small

as his books. Then he realized. Was he… controlling the books? No, but he wasn’t special. It

couldn’t be.

The mother came into his room, happy, and stayed there, the only feeling being the stuff

going down her body. The father soon came in, and horrified, kicked the kid out of the house. The four neighbors, one girl, three boys, playing a game with a bunch of hologram

looked at him and waved. Getting no response, the girl went over to him. The kid could feel her

memories, taste her emotions, see her heart. But then the girl fell over. He could feel her shock,

fear, pain. He could feel the red stuff go down her body. He could feel her drowning in it. Until

he couldn’t. The now-trio looked at the kid. They called him names and wept. The kid was

soulless.

Soulless.

Soul.

Step Three: Conquer your world! Easier said than done, I know. This may require a bit of

training on your local neighborhood, but, y’know, a cozy neighborhood is nothing compared to

a world you’ll conquer.

And the bloodbath created will be nothing compared to sea of blood flowing down from a

conqueror’s glorious throne of unrivaled dictatorship. Of course, there is no crown without

bloodshed.

Ahem. That was long.

The kid sat down in his no-longer-living father’s favorite chair and concentrated. He

could feel the emotions, secrets, and feelings. He could feel the beat of their hearts and the flow

of their blood. It’s funny, he thought, that even though the human body is so intricate, I could

just reach out.

And squeeze.

Don’t kill anyone when you first try? Try again! Practice makes perfect, you know.

The kid walked over to his neighbor’s house and found the mother gasping for air. She

was drowning in red stuff, which was discovered to be called “blood”. The kid didn’t

even consider the woman’s begging or her sobbing. He reached out and, unlike with his mother,

which was killed with a curious tap, maddeningly squeezed. He could feel the blood flowing

down his self-named “Hand of Justice”. The heart stopped squirming. And the woman stopped

crying. The kid realized how odd it was. Quote-unquote good men in the 2000s, he thought, said

that people who hit women were emotionless and cruel. But why, then, did I feel…

So

Darn   

Good?

Once you think you’re ready, head out into the world. It may take a little bit to kill your

first president or dictator, but relax. It took me a few days to get my first one. Research on them,

or kidnap someone close to them, if you must. I don’t like doing things like that, so I was off the

hook, thankfully.

But a true conqueror would do whatever he could to get what he wants. Remember that.

The kid walked up onto the stage, not caring about the fear in the people’s eyes. He

walked up to the president with a birthday cake with a single lit candle out. The president called

for guards but all he got was silence. The kid started humming. Happy birthday to you, happy

birthday to you. The president wanted to move, scream, anything, but he couldn’t. She fell to his

knees and hung his head. She could hear her heart beat, beat, beat.

And she could feel the heat leave her body as the kid blew out the candle.

I should probably explain my gift, so it doesn’t seem like I’m making this up. I can reach

into anything’s soul, whether it alive or not, and do whatever I want with it. Listen to it, control

it, destroy it, you name it. I also can link souls. By that I mean that I can do whatever I want with

something if I do it with something else.

I don’t think that was a very good explanation.

For example, if I cut a cake in half…

The kid plucked the candle out and pulled out a kitchen knife. The audience was already

running away, but it was too late. The kid envisioned every single soul in the audience (which

were all screaming and whirling in panic) and imagined tying them to the cake’s unmoving soul,

like tying a shoelace. Then, wanting to make a good first impression, he asked the audience a

question as he cut through the cake.

“Have you made a wish yet?”

… I basically cut the attached person in half as well.

The kid walked through the pools of blood, coming from every half of the human. He sat

down on one of the chairs provided for the no-longer-living audience. He grinned from ear to

ear and started to laugh.

He was having the time of his life.

Step Fu-Fu-Fu-Four! Destroy your enemies mercilessly! Pesky enemies blocking your

way? Kill ‘em! Easy as pie. Well, maybe not that easy, but for me, it was like squashing a bug. Also, remember to stick to your goal. You’re a murderer, but, more importantly, a conqueror.

Days later, the boy walked through a destroyed Japanese city. He had controlled the

souls of everyone, forcing them to destroy everything, to good results. He had also gotten some

kettle corn popcorn, which was his new favorite food, and the only thing that he probably

wouldn’t destroy. He then heard a voice from above. “Hello.”. The kid looked up and muttered,

“Kami-sama? (God?)”. The voice said, “No. I am but a lost citizen. Would you mind keeping me

company for a bit?” The kid knew it was a lie. It didn’t take powers to see his anger in his eyes

and the price tag on his clean leather jacket. But the kid didn’t object.

The kid and the nice man walked through the countryside and up mountains before

stopping on a dead volcano. The kid didn’t really remember anything before the nice man held

him over the edge with a gun placed on the kid’s head. The man muttered something about a

successful trap, but the kid did not listen. He was too busy waking up the volcano.

When the volcano’s eruption was finished, and the nice man was naturally cremated, the

kid (who survived by willing anything hot to become less hot) put on the man’s jacket (which had

survived by being willed to withstand the eruption) and walked down the mountain again, eating

the popcorn he had put in a Ziploc in his pocket. He then sat down, legs dangling off another

edge, and pulled out a map of Japan. There, he scratched out the middle part of the big

island, and marked a path leading to his next destination- south to Maibara (which was weirdly

pronounced as “May-bar-a” as opposed to “My-bar-a”). Before putting the map away, the kid

looked over the rest of the map. He looked at the scratched Western Hemisphere, North America

more prominently scratched then other countries. Quickly averting his eyes, he closed the map

and made his way southward.

A month and a half later, the kid, now a teen, was eating a Left Twix (which was far more

superior than a Right Twix) inside a very important factory on a manmade island in the UK, which, at the time, was the most technologically advanced place in the whole world.

His world, at least.

Scientists have found that there are, in fact, multiple universes.

The kid was extremely ecstatic to hear this.

He had quickly conquered all of Africa, Asia, and Europe, and rushed to the factory. He

currently had the scientists work on the machine which would, hopefully, get him into another

world.

The kid was also checking out his trophies. He had a dirty soccer ball signed by a pro

player, a scratched piece of the Liberty Bell, a bloody backpack made from anaconda skin, and

and limited-edition anime bobblehead, all of which were stolen from people who had tried to

attack him. He had fun fighting those people, and hoped that the new world would bring more

fun.

It was all that he lived for.

Step Five, last step! Don’t stop there! Are you done conquering your world? Have no

fear! Conquer another one! The scientists back in my old world told me that there is an infinite

number of worlds which are in the 40th century, the same century that I lived in. So, there’s hope

for you too, fellow conqueror.

Oh, by the way, I should be arriving at a new world soon. The scientists will send this

message a few hours before I hop in a warp device. So, uh, sorry if I conquer your world before

y’all can do something.

So, thanks for listening. It’s nice to take a break and talk for a bit, but I must go. My

popcorn is starting to burn. If you need more tips, call my help center.

Who am I kidding, I don’t have one.

[Transmission Ended.]

[…]

[Error: Unauthorized access. Activating self-destruct.]

[Self-destruct cancelled. What would you like to do today, Conqueror?]

The kid tapped this new world’s keyboard in wonder. There was so much to do. But, he

decided to search the new world web for the important things.

“Most populated areas”

And then:

“Kettle Corn”

He also killed a few guards and may have summoned the army. But, so goes the life of a

conqueror. 

End