The holidays are on the horizon, and they can be hard on your mental health. But there are ways to make it easy on yourself.
One Fort Wayne resident, Ruth Fearnow, a mental health counselor and trauma therapist, has written a guide to creating a better life called, Therapeutic Mindfulness: A Healing Skill, Not a Coping Skill.
This critically-acclaimed work provides practical, step-by-step methods for achieving inner peace that Fearnow has developed in her practice, so that more people can learn to empower themselves, which, she maintains, is key to understanding others.
Here, WBOI’s Julia Meek discusses the fine points of both the writing process and the healing process with Ruth, as well as the positive outcome such a journey can ensure.
Fearnow’s book, Therapeutic Mindfulness, is available through Amazon and the author’s website.
Below is a transcription of the conversation:
Julia Meek: Ruth Fearnow, welcome.
Ruth Fearnow: Thank you.
Julia Meek: Now, first time author on a topic that has been your life's work, and as trauma therapist, very briefly, why here, why now, is this kind of book needed, do you think?
Ruth Fearnow: Well, I think healing has always been needed, but right now, mindfulness has become a very widely known, widely seen skill that's being taught in therapy, in yoga studios all over the place, and yet it's only understood on a superficial level, and it can be used for so much more.
Julia Meek: And deeper, I gather, too?
Ruth Fearnow: Absolutely.
Julia Meek: Now important to note, you offer readers a healing skill, not a coping skill. You're clear about that. What does it matter, as long as it works?
Ruth Fearnow: So, a coping skill, what does it matter, if it's healing or coping? If you're coping, it just gets you through the moment, but everything that you're coping with is not healed, so it's still under there, building up, and everything you stuff down, it will wait and it will come back.
So, the way I put it shortly is coping skills get you through the moment. Healing skills get you through life.
Julia Meek: Aren't you afraid of putting yourself out of business?
Ruth Fearnow: (Laughs) If I somehow managed to solve "mental health," then I would put other people out of business, but I would be rich and on a talk show circuit. So I think I'm good. (all chuckle)
Julia Meek: I would imagine there are other things you might conquer that might be the great big number one, but other things along the way.
Ruth Fearnow: Yeah, I think so.
Julia Meek: And mainly, it speaks a lot to the point of doing it yourself, for yourself and all the time. That's a big part of not having to rely on a counselor or a therapist too, isn't it?
Ruth Fearnow: Well, so, one thing to be clear about with this book is there are people that will still need to rely on therapy. I don't actually believe I'll put myself out of business, (chuckles) but there's a lot that we can do on our own, and there's a lot we can do even between therapy sessions.
So, this is a skill that can catapult us, you know, and so I'm super excited about it. But there are times when we need a little bit more. Also, just because that we can do a lot on our own doesn't mean we heal alone, and I think that's important to know.
I'm not suggesting anyone's an island. We need people, but we also can do more ourselves.
Julia Meek: Great, and that's very helpful, thank you. Now your format actually is direct, easy in itself to follow, much like how you'd counsel a client, I gather. Was it difficult to translate this into a hands-on how-to, only without you, the tour guide, even present?
Ruth Fearnow: Not really; as I started using the process, it just revealed itself and then I wrote it down.
Julia Meek: Well, how long was the actual writing process once you dove into it?
Ruth Fearnow: (chuckles) Oh, just a few years. (all laugh) I mean, the basic process became clear, and I started seeing that this was different than other things I'd done.
It was different in that once people got trained up enough, or came to understand it, a lot of people, not everyone, but a lot of people could do it on their own.
I started having more people terminate therapy because we fixed the big thing, and they're like, I can do the day-to-day, now I know what to do. And I started thinking, I need to write about this.
Julia Meek: And of course, that had to be outside of your normal job of doing it too, and that would take time. And this would also happen throughout your day of working and doing whatever else you're doing. That would be its own challenge. But is it energizing to write about something that you've been doing all day?
Ruth Fearnow: The writing process was kind of interesting. I'm fascinated by mental health and inspired when I see people heal. That's energizing. What would happen to me throughout the writing process is that it would start to seem obvious what I'm writing about.
I do it all the time. I do it with so many people. It's helpful. They start to get it, and I'm writing about it, but I'm like, This just seems like I'm writing down obvious stuff. And then I would have some clients happily terminate, and then eventually I would take on some new clients, and I'd be teaching someone new, and they're like, oh my gosh, you're blowing my mind.
I cannot believe, and it just like breaks through, and everyone's astounded, and it helps so much. And I'm thinking, oh, shoot, I need to go back to writing. Every time I taught it again, I'd realize I need to write about it.
Julia Meek: Because it's still necessary to be taught.
Ruth Fearnow: Yeah, anyone knew that sees it, it would be so groundbreaking. And it just reminded me it was groundbreaking. I was used to it. I do it all the time, but to them, they reminded me how groundbreaking it actually was.
Julia Meek: Now, were there any surprises along the way? And as a matter of fact, what about changes to your own approach in therapy, because you were writing it down?
Ruth Fearnow: Well, it's funny, once the basic process came out, it actually stayed relatively similar. I would say that's the same. What happened is I expanded my ability to deal with things that would come up.
And hence, as I was working through and writing this stuff down, then the troubleshooting chapter came out, because I would find places where people commonly got blocked. And then the self-compassion chapter came out, as people working through therapy taught me about parts work.
And then, as I came across all other ways that our mind protects against facing this stuff and all the layers of resistance, the resistance chapter came out. And that's why there are times when a therapist will still be necessary to help us navigate some of the deeper resistance stuff. T
here will be times when we need someone to help us navigate it, who's skilled. However, the basic process is still valid, and some people that are able to do it right away. I've had people new to mental health come to me, learn the basic process, take it and run with it and not need me very much at all.
Julia Meek: Wow, that has to be satisfying.
Ruth Fearnow: So exciting, yes!
Julia Meek: So, if this is a self-guided tour, is kind of how I think of it, could you give us a theoretical guide through just the real basics of operation, how it would work?
Ruth Fearnow: So, one thing I've noticed is that when we're feeling things, our brain gets overly involved. And one thing I tell people is you can't talk yourself out of your feelings.
So, what this does is gets us out of our brain, out of our thoughts, out of our story, and into our body. Because if you think about it, emotions are in our body. They manifest. You know, it feels like I got punched in the gut. Oh, I can't speak. Oh my gosh. I took my breath away.
So we have these things about our body, and we feel that that's where emotions are. So, the process is when you get emotional, or you can find something that makes you an emotional. You get emotional, bring up the emotion.
Second, you go to your body, which means out of the story and into your body. And I have a whole process and worksheet that helps you with how to do that. Third thing is you allow it, and that is the hardest part, sometimes the strangest part, but that is also the transformative part.
Julia Meek: The exciting part.
Ruth Fearnow: So exciting!
Julia Meek: Now there's obviously a lot of calming, logical vibe throughout the book, and you reinforce the reinforcing of it, if you will, because that's a real important part. Since this all seems too simple, but it's not.
How can you, how do you measure success once a reader starts applying with their reading, or as you're working with them, they start applying what you're helping them with?
Ruth Fearnow: It's good that you ask that, because people really struggle with, am i doing better, am I getting better? And I have a whole chapter dedicated to that, for that reason. But clinically, we measure success by duration, intensity and frequency.
So if I used to panic every week and now I'm panicking once every two months, that's progress. If I used to get into an anxiety spiral and it took me two days to get out of it, and now it takes me four hours, that's progress.
If it happened three times a week and now it happened, say once in the last month, progress. So, we can measure that. And I actually have a worksheet that helps people lay out different areas where they can see progress.
Julia Meek: So, the small steps, especially at the beginning, although I think in your book, there are no small steps, they all seem pretty large. They are reinforced. Of course, one does feel better. There's also ways to measure and one can feel very comfortable about the progress they're making.
It's all laid out there. Because progress has to be a new thing, sometimes, to people that always felt like nothing ever worked before.
Ruth Fearnow: Absolutely, and sometimes, when people are in a dark place, they start to believe that, oh, I'm just back to where I started. But one thing I've found really handy in therapy in general is to go back six months.
If you've been working for three months, working for six months, and you think you're making progress because you feel it in the short term, but then you have a really hard time, you go back six months.
And nobody has ever said to me, "Eh." Like, everyone's like, yeah, I wouldn't want to go back. I see it now. That one tip of going back a few months is really helpful.
Julia Meek: It's kind of a perspective.
Ruth Fearnow: Absolutely.
Julia Meek: You're forcing them into their own perspective. And no matter how one reaches this place of therapeutic mindfulness, whether it's in person or via your very helpful workbook, how does one gain permanent residence there, I guess I'll ask.
Ruth Fearnow: (chuckles) Uh, yeah, I'll tell you what I find out. (all laugh) You know, one thing I really have to tell people, when I come up with a lot of wisdom and therapy, I think they think that I levitate when I meditate, and I float on the cloud, and I don't have problems.
I have feelings. I have what I call a jerk brain, and my jerk brain tells me bad stuff and tries to make me feel bad. And that's why having the skill is so helpful. This is a skill to get you through that stuff.
But what you end up finding is, over time, you spend less of your time being caught up with your jerk brain feelings or with your reactivity, and you spend more time just feeling like yourself.
And that's the goal. And I do see over time, as you heal things, you do feel better, more of your day and more of your week. And that's what we want.
Julia Meek: That's a wonderful improvement. And the term "jerk brain" comes up often in your book, and we find out that we all have one, probably, always telling us something we probably shouldn't hear or don't know how to interpret. But how important is it for real, genuine positive outcome to realize everybody does have a jerk brain, everybody does have these fears.
Ruth Fearnow: Honestly, the more you go down the healing path, especially with therapeutic mindfulness, because the act of therapeutic mindfulness naturally leads us to developing self-compassion, believe it or not.
But the more you see your own path and get perspective and grow, I find the more you start to see these patterns in other people, and you start to understand more, so this is universally good for the world, when we do our own personal healing. And I deeply believe that.
Julia Meek: Now, you continue to gather awards on this book, Ruth, besides the rush, what does that tell you about the need as well as the effectiveness of the book that you wrote.
Ruth Fearnow: It was just validation, because, again, in my head, it seems very important and important enough for me to write it, but outside sources, you know, I didn't know anybody in these book industries.
I didn't have an inside anything; like the one is the largest international independent book award that exists, and I won the self help category. That was so validating. It's like, okay, I think it sounds really important. I see what it means in therapy.
But apparently, I've articulated it well enough that people can look at it and recognize the importance, and that encourages me to keep going and promoting it.
Julia Meek: This is becoming more and more necessary as time goes by. As a trauma therapist, where might you find it helpful in your work?
Ruth Fearnow: So, let me first speak briefly about trauma. Trauma is defined by any time that a situation overrides your resources. In trauma work, we talk about big trauma and little trauma.
This can work with any of it, really, any of it. In fact, it can work with any negative emotions. The only thing I keep in mind is when trauma is so overwhelming that you can't handle it on your own. That's a time for a therapist, because they can help co-regulate with you, and co-regulate, forgive me, a clinical term, help--like you can bring up emotions and you can handle it.
So there is a time where people have such a trauma load that they need the co-regulation. But when you can handle some of your emotions on your own, you can do this. And so it's really not specific to any type of trauma, even really difficult, difficult stuff, really hideous stuff. If you are at a place where you can handle emotions, you can do this.
If you're not, then it might be time for, you know, the therapy and to develop that. So, this is really for people that are able to look at that.
Julia Meek: It would be a second step. Yes, yes. And what kind of feedback are you getting from clients, as well as colleagues that have tried it or heard about it?
Ruth Fearnow: I know clients, so many clients have given me great feedback about using it on their own, about what they've been able to do. Again, some people don't need me anymore. That's the best feedback I can possibly get.
What was interesting is, when I first published, I sent it out to an international therapist group on Facebook, and several therapists agreed to read it. I gave them a free copy in exchange for an honest review. And they don't know me.
They don't know me personally. They're not invested in my personality, and yet, the therapists who read it put on my Amazon review that they now use it for themselves and with their clients.
Julia Meek: Mmm, there's some high praise, indeed.
Ruth Fearnow: Best feedback I could possibly get.
Julia Meek: And you know, it's working. Oh, my goodness. Now, with that in mind, where can you go with this specific technique next? How might you grow a base of followers, or grow the ways that it works or reasons that it works. What kind of a follow up or follow through Do you offer? Could you offer?
Ruth Fearnow: Well, as an individual therapist, I'm pretty much always full, so that's not on the list. What I see happening with this is me teaching more. You know, I teach workshops where I can show people in front of a group how it works.
I get a volunteer every time I have the option in a workshop or in a talk, because seeing is way better than hearing about it. And then the person that is the volunteer, experiencing is way better than seeing it. So that's what I want to do.
Because the more I teach, the more I show it, the more people are going to be interested and invested in it. And I want other therapists to be doing it with all their clients. Like that's the way I can grow it. I can only see but so many people, but if the therapists know it, then the word spreads, and more people get trained to do it. That's what I want.
Julia Meek: Good luck on that one then. And I do wonder Ruth, everyone could seemingly use a little more mindfulness, therapeutic or otherwise. Where do you go when you need refreshed or energized?
Ruth Fearnow: Well, I've been a spiritual seeker my whole life. It is central to my growth. That's always been the case since a decade before I became a therapist.
So, I have authors of wisdom, yeah, anywhere and everywhere I can find it. (chuckles) Let's just say that.
Julia Meek: And sometimes now, at least it's some of your own material. And that's got to be exciting.
Ruth Fearnow: Actually, yeah, I'll say this straight out. There is nothing that I teach that I don't do. I do this all the time. This is how I got through my divorce. Don't tell him. (all laugh)
No, I mean, seriously, the way I got through my divorce was I had a few good friends that would let me call up and cry if I need to, and then therapeutic mindfulness.
I'm not kidding. I did this, and this was the year I was developing and starting to write. So I experienced it, and I still experience it when I have something come and hit me. So yes, I do it, absolutely.
Julia Meek: Any time that jerk brain comes back, you are ready. That's great testimonial, Ruth. And now that you have accomplished this major breakthrough, what's up on your drawing board, or, should I say, writing table? Any new mountains to summit on that horizon for you?
Ruth Fearnow: Other than my basic work as a therapist, my two professional goals now is: one, to teach this, to get it in front of people and to demonstrate, because I just think it's that valuable.
And the other thing is, I really, really enjoy doing intensive therapy sessions, which are six-to-seven-hour, one day sessions for one person.
For the people that are able to regulate their emotions and handle deep and heavy work, seeing the leap you can make with that concentrated work inspires me so much. I get so excited. So, I really enjoy doing those things as well.
Julia Meek: Well, good luck on those too. So okay, Ruth, you call this read an enjoyable and useful roadmap of the human mind and emotions. One question, why are those two parts of ourselves SO danged complex and scary? (both laugh)
Ruth Fearnow: It's interesting, because truth is simple, wisdom is simple, fear is complicated. And what I do for a living is I reduce the fear.
Julia Meek: You've got your job, you've got your calling.
Ruth Fearnow: I thought you're gonna say I have my work cut out for me. (chuckles)
Julia Meek: Well, that, but you have your job security too. Yes, indeed, you do. And last question, Ruth, what one thing can everyone listening right now do, even before they read your book, for a happier, healthier self?
Ruth Fearnow: There's one really basic mindfulness exercise that I like to introduce people to, and I call it Here and Now mindfulness. So right here in this room, just say these four walls, are just your immediate surrounding.
And right now, "now," for the purpose of this exercise, is defined as two seconds. Right here and right now, is anything wrong? Now, if your mind goes off to what your mother's doing, what your kids are doing, what your (chuckles) what's happening outside the room, you're not here.
And if it's in the past, or if you're worried about the future, it's not now. But right here and right now, is everything okay? And if you reflect on that, a lot of times, that's really peaceful.
Oh, that two seconds is over. Okay. Now, right HERE and right now, the next two seconds, is everything okay? And what you find is that most moments in our entire lives are actually fine. We're not connected to that.
We lose that, and our beliefs and our thoughts pull us into other things, and those things need to be healed. So, I'm not saying that doing a Right Here, Right Now exercise is going to heal all this, because it won't, but if you can work on the healing, underneath that is a fundamental calm and peace, and that's where we should be living our lives out of.
Julia Meek: Fort Wayne resident, Ruth Fearnow, is a licensed mental health counselor, trauma therapist and author of Therapeutic Mindfulness. Ruth, thank you for the work you do, the story that you tell, do keep it all up and going strong, do carry the gift.
Ruth Fearnow: Thank you so very much.
